THE PRISONERS OF MONROE AVENUE
By Dan Barham
 

Newt's master ran out the back door yelling, "Newt! Newt! You'd better get back here!", but Newt and his best friend, Buddy, were already running at a full gallop, turning the corner at the end of the street. His master stormed back into the house and raged at his wife, "Well, Newt's jumped the fence again! Where's my jacket? When I find him he'll never, ever, get that shocker-collar off again!" He rummaged through the closet for his lightweight jacket, grabbed the shocker collar, the transmitter, and headed out the door, a very angry man.

Meanwhile, Newt, a ninety pound Chocolate Lab, and Buddy, a hundred and twenty pound Golden Retriever, were already three blocks away, running from tree to tree, yard to yard, sniffing and smelling anything and everything and marking (peeing on, if you don't know what marking means) everything in sight.

Buddy stopped and stood idly looking around as they considered what to do next. "I don't see how you can jump over that fence. It's over five feet high.  I have a hard time standing on my back legs  just to look over it. How do you do that?", he asked Newt.

Newt looked condescending, "Something to do with the genes, at least that's what they said on Animal Planet. Something about how you blond-haired pretty boys can't jump."

Buddy didn't really understand and didn't really care about Newt's sarcasm. He joyously jumped on top of Newt and they wrestled and rolled on the ground for a minute or two, pretending they were fighting to the death. Then Buddy jumped up and tore around the street in a wide circle, running back and jumping on Newt again. Life was wonderful and they were taking full advantage of it.

Newt stood looking curiously at Buddy. "Gee Whiz, Buddy, what's up with you? You been cooped up too long? Just slow down and relax a little. Your master won't find you for a couple of hours."

Buddy stopped, abd his big ears perked upright. He thought about it for a minute like he always did and said, "Find me? He's gonna find me? How's he gonna find me?"

Newt shook his head and said, "You doofus! He finds you every time, just like my master finds me. You always forget, don't you? You know we're gonna be wearing those shocker collars for a couple days after this."

"Owph!", Buddy groaned, "Why do I always forget! I hate that thing! It'll take two days of looking sad and mournful to get him to take that thing off of me."

Newt laughed and jumped onto Buddy again, "Yeah, but right now we're doing whatever we want and we're doing it wherever we want!". They rolled on the ground some more, savoring their freedom, before heading farther down the street, peeing on trees and trash cans as they went.

"Whaddaya want to do?", Newt asked, suddenly feeling very mischievous.

Buddy had an idea, "Come on! Let's go over to that Terrier's house. We can bark outside and when he comes to the window we can make fun of him."

Newt didn't need further encouragement. They took off and ran the block to the little Boston Terrier's house where they stood in the street and barked loudly until he came to one of the front windows, yipping and yapping at them.

Both of them ran up to the window barking, "Look at the sissy! Look at the sissy! Can't even go outside!" They pee'd on the bushes below the window and ran back out to the street laughing while the terrier went completely crazy, yipping and snapping at the window and the sofa he was standing on. Buddy and Newt were making their third run past the insane terrier when his master came to the window, saw what they were doing, and ran to the door to shoo them away. Of course, they laughed at him too, saying, "He looks just like his stupid dog", but they did run when he came down the steps toward the street.

They stopped around the corner and both took the time to mark a trash can that was sitting in a driveway. "There, that's our trash can! In fact, everything around here is ours!", Buddy stated emphatically.

They trotted off feeling vaguely smug and still looking for mischief when they passed another trash can, where they stopped to sniff the wonderful aroma drifting from within. Newt turned to Buddy, slobber dripping from his chops, "Is that what I think it is?"

Buddy was ahead of him. “You bet it is! It's BEEF!” he said as he knocked the can over, the lid rattling away across the street.  They looked inside together and saw several large beef bones, scraps from last night's dinner. They had hit the jackpot. They were in heaven.

Buddy didn't wait for an invitation. He tore into the more worthless trash and tossed it aside into the street. He grabbed the biggest bone and darted away to lay down, gnawing noisily. Newt grabbed two others and did the same, turning to Buddy with a dreamy and satisfied expression, "Oh Man! I'm in heaven!"

 "It doesn't get any better than this, brother," Buddy responded as he licked at the marrow.

Unfortunately, at that very moment, the homeowner ran out of the back door, screaming at the two dogs and at his trash spilled all over the street, "You dogs! Get outa here!," he screamed as he ran toward them, waving a broom over his head. They both leaped to their feet and darted away, the bones still in their mouths. The man chased them all the way to the corner before giving up. They trotted on, trying to chew as they went. They finally stopped and looked back at him as he picked up the trash from the street and yard, looking their way and cursing loudly. Buddy looked at Newt, completely puzzled, "What's his problem? First he leaves us bones and then he gets mad when we take them?"

Newt stood watching the man too, "The way he's acting you'd think he was our master or something. He's not our master?” He was genuinely puzzled by the man's behavior. He dropped the bone, "Come on, Buddy. Let's go find a Poodle we can push around."

They trotted around the next corner and stopped dead in their tracks. Standing there in the middle of the street, blocking their escape, were both of their masters, looking very angry and holding the dreaded shocker collars and transmitters.

Newt looked at Buddy, "Oh No! Oh No! Now look what you got us into. Now they're gonna kill us! What are we gonna do?" he asked in desperation, thinking for a moment about making a run for it.

Buddy on the other hand looked at his own master with a sorrowful expression, hoping he could play the sympathy card and get off with a lighter sentence. It wasn't working. His master stood there,angry,  watching to see what he was going to do. Buddy turned to Newt, "You did this! It's your fault! If you'd stayed home, if you didn't jump that fence, we wouldn't be in this mess. Now they're going to kill us." He whimpered and lower his tail to the ground, not knowing whether to run or to submit. He hated submission but there were times he was convinced it had saved his live.

They both walked hesitatingly up to their respective masters, head down, tails between legs, both playing for sympathy, but still it wasn't working.

Buddy's master reached out, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and, in one blindingly fast motion, put the shocker collar on and snapped it into place. He knew that this was the final indignity. He was now, officially, a prisoner, a prisoner who would be killed instantly if he tried to have any fun at all. He lay on his belly, his chin on the pavement and his eyes staring sadly up at his master, knowing that his only chance for survival now was complete obedience.

He glance over at Newt who was now wearing his shocker collar too. He said, very quietly, "They're gonna kill us, Newt. Goodbye, my old friend."

Newt didn't look at him or speak, knowing that complete obedience was his only salvation too. He would have to do everything, everything his master wanted, or he would be immediately killed. He avoided Buddy's glance and looked up at his master adoringly, as if to say, "I really love you, my kind and forgiving master."

They both stood when ordered to do so and slowly started the long march back to their homes, Buddy with his tail between his legs and Newt trying hard to renew his relationship with his master. He pranced beside him, looking up adoringly, ignoring the angry eyes. They both carefully watched the shocker collar controllers as they walked, knowing they were held at the ready by their masters.

Buddy always had been the daring one and, it could be easily argued, the really stupid one. He had to, he just had to, test his master and test the feared shocker collar. When they reached Newt's house, as Newt's master was opening the gate to the back yard, Buddy kept walking, heading toward his house. His master yelled, "Buddy! Come back here!", but he kept going, knowing what could happen but knowing he had to try his master's resolve.

It happened. "Owph! Owph!", he bellowed, far more than he had to, as the minor voltage from the collar shocked his neck. He jumped around for a moment and considered falling down like he was dead. Instead, he ran back to his master and looked up at him as if to say, "What'd you do that for? I was just going home."

Newt sat at the open gate, looking back at him, saying, "Buddy, you doofus! You asked for it. That'll get you a couple more days in solitary." He walked submissively in through the gate as his master closed and latched it behind them. He turned and stood on his hind legs, his front paws against the fence top, watching Buddy and his master walk down the street and around the corner.

He dropped down on to all fours and looked admiringly at his master who was now glowering at him. He walked over to him and stood leaning against him, his face pressed tightly against his master's leg. His master, of course, softened, smiled and scratched Newt's back and neck lovingly. Newt smiled, knowing he'd won already and pushed even harder against the leg. He was certain he'd be in a position to jump that fence within two days.

From down the street, from somewhere over near Buddy's house, he heard an very over-dramatic, "Owph! Owph!"  He shook his head.  Buddy wouldn't be getting out any time soon.

End

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